"The Joy of
Chanukah"
With Chanukah (pronounced Hanoo-KAh)
right around the corner, I thought it would
be fun to write a column dedicated to
Chanukah, otherwise known and “The
Festival of Lights,” otherwise known as
“The Jewish Response to Christmas.”
Chanukah is a holiday that is very
similar to Christmas, except that the Jewish
people follow a lunar calendar and this
causes Chanukah to fall on different random
dates each year. This year Chanukah begins
on December 8th, which is just in
time to coincide with finals. Hooray!
Also, Chanukah differs from Christmas
in that it is eight days long, and Jewish
children receive a different present each
night. When I was little, my parents used
this fact to try to explain to me why
Chanukah was better than Christmas. “You
get eight whole days of presents, Mitchy!
Now aren’t you glad you aren’t one of
those goyim?”
Not knowing any better, I would nod
my head, put on a kippah and bless the
Chanukah candles. Although, I later learned
the many ways in that Christmas is
infinitely better.
The main reason that Christmas seems
better is because it is a one day orgy of
infinite present receiving bliss. Christian
kids get all their presents in one swoop and
sometimes even stay up all night in
anticipation.
On the other hand, Chanukah is an
eight day long drawn out process, which
resembles a bad hand job given in high
school. You’re really excited and there
are some nice moments, but then there are
some bad moments, and by the end you just
wish it was over already.
Unlike the joy of receiving all of
your good and bad presents at once, where
the good ones greatly overshadow the bad
ones; Chanukah forces you to only receive
one present a night – and you know that
only one or two of them will be good. And my
parents would always try to disguise the
good presents by wrapping them in strange
ways. The result was that I would spend all
day spasmodically awaiting present time,
only to incorrectly chose a crappy present
and have to wait another 24 hours to try
again.
To further elaborate on this point,
let me list some of the worst presents
received: a girl’s diary with hearts on it
(because I liked to write), pencils (because
I liked to write), a pad of math games, and
a dustbuster shaped like a robot (which
would have been cool now, but sucked when I
was thirteen).
One favorite game of my parents was
to purchase a 2-part present and wrap each
part separately. So, when I finally found
the box that Legal Enforcers for Sega
Genesis was in, I ended up spending the rest
of Chanukah praying that I would find the
box that the Legal Enforcers Gun was in.
(While it was possible to play Legal
Enforcers without the gun, that would be as
much fun as going to an all paraplegic
ballet).
I’m sure some of my Jewish readers
would argue that Chanukah isn’t really
about presents, that it’s about some
miracle or something. Let me take the chance
to correct them now. Of course Chanukah is
about presents. Saying otherwise is like
saying the Macy’s Labor Day Sale is really
about celebrating labor.
But, let’s get back to my highly
scholarly comparison of the two holidays.
Another great benefit of Christmas is that
Christmas songs are much better than
Chanukah songs. While I’m sure that many
of my Christian readers are not as much of a
fan of Christmas music as I am, I think they
just don’t realize how bad many Chanukah
songs are.
The highlight of Chanukah songs is
probably “I have a little dreidel,”
whose lyrics are simply: “I have a little
dreidel / I made it out of clay / And when
it's dry and ready /
Then dreidel I shall play!” Doesn’t that
sound like fun? Doesn’t it make you want
to make things out of clay and then wait for
them to dry? They should have just written a
Chanukah song about watching paint dry or
doing laundry.
Although Chanukah still can be fun.
You get to eat gelt, which are chocolate
coins wrapped in gold foil. I think I was
told that they were to make the holiday
sweet, but the image of Jewish children
actually eating fake money makes me laugh
for some reason. And other cultures wonder
why there are so many Jewish accountants.
And I guess the real benefit of
Chanukah is that I learned it was better to
wish for a bunch of small easily wrapped
things, rather than only one or two big
things. My Chanukah wish lists are still
filled with CDs and video games that feature
scantily clad girls either fighting each
other or playing rigorous games of
volleyball. And while Chanukah is much less
exciting as a result, it makes it a lot
easier to get the things I want throughout
the rest of the year. Those crafty Jewish
people, they’re always up to something.
