“ Florida, Moot Court Competitions and Mitch”

             Look, it’s a new column by Mitch. Hooray. Jump for joy! What will he write about this time? I bet it’s something really gross that I can giggle about it in the library. Maybe he’ll write about cold sores or hemorrhoids. Cold sores are really gross!

             Well enthusiastic reader, I hate to disappoint, but I decided to devote the current column to a more serious topic: Environmental Moot Court Competitions. These competitions are extremely important, because the future of the environmental hangs in the balance. Except for the fact that all of the trials are fake and no judgments are handed down. In order to research this important topic, it was necessary for me to travel to Stetson Univeristy, College of Law , in Gulfport , Florida , to observe the 10^th Annual International Environmental Moot Court Competition. Teams from all over the world had traveled to scenic Florida to do battle over environmental issues; it just doesn’t get any better than this.

            Unless of course, you have zero interest in environmental law, moot court competitions or international people. Still, Florida is Florida , and when my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to lend support to her environmental moot court team and skip my Friday morning class, I jumped at the opportunity. In addition, her hotel was directly on the beach.

            I had originally planned to make a big poster board sign and cheer on the Maryland Environmental Moot Court Team excitedly in the stands. However, their competition was really early in the morning and was supposed to take approximately 10 hours. Therefore, I decided to conduct my research from the hotel bar.

            Let me be the first to tell you, a corona never tastes better when it has a fresh lime in it, it’s before noon, you’re on the beach, it’s 79 degrees outside (with a slight breeze) and your girlfriend is competing in moot court competitions all day. While she fended off fierce rebuttals and inquisitive judges, I debated with myself whether or not to have another beer (the answer was yes). Then I debated whether or not to take a take a nap (the answer was also yes). It was an extremely challenging day and I grappled with some tough issues, but by the end, I came to the realization that it’s much better to date a lawyer than to be one.

            I wish I can tell you more about the environmental competition. I think it may have had something to do with zoning or standing, but I’m really not sure (doesn’t it seem that environmental lawyers are always griping about zoning?). I’m sure some respondents or some applicants were doing something really bad and I bet persuasive arguments were made on both sides. Hopefully, someone with a greater understanding of the issues wrote an informative article about it, bringing these issues to the attention of the law school community.

            Personally, I couldn’t get over the fact that they gave out awards for best oralists. I assume it’s a big honor, although I can’t understand who would want to hang such an award on their wall. Imagine being a new client at a law firm, meeting your lawyer for the first time, and seeing a “Best Oralist” award proudly displayed. I know I’d be thinking naughty thoughts. Or imagine what kind of responses you’d get if you put out an ad in the paper advertising that you were an “award winning oralist.”

            I think it would be really funny if oralists and pianists hung out together more. They could each ask each other what they do for a living and then take turns giggling when the other responded. I’m also curious if great oralists ever get tired of oralist jokes. Do they sit around saying, “Let them laugh at me all they want, I’m the best oralist ever.” And of course, if I could hear them say that, it would only make me laugh harder.

            But enough cheap shots (oralists work too hard developing their oral skills to be made fun of), there were other humorous events on the trip that deserve attention. Mainly, that upon learning that Florida hotels are only required to clean their comforters once a month, a competition quickly developed, where the object was to rub the opponent’s face into the unwashed comforter. It’s funny how one sixty minutes special (you know the one I’m talking about; it was the one with the hotel comforters and the black lights) can permanently alter your outlook on once seemingly innocent things.

            Other fun times included going to a traditional Irish pub that was conveniently located two blocks from our hotel and offered karaoke every night. They also offered imperial pints of Strong Bow for $4.25. For those of you who don’t know, an imperial pint is 20 oz. and Strong Bow is a British cider that tastes like apple juice mixed with a hint of malt liquor. In order to immerse myself in the local culture, I forced myself to have a few and perform “Build me up Buttercup,” in the style of Clay Aiken. I might have also played darts, but the memory is a little fuzzy.

            All in all, I considered the trip to be a success. I’m sure the environment appreciated all the hard work that went into the moot court competition and I bet the competitors learned a lot too. But, more importantly, my girlfriend got a free backpack, which she then gave to me. I can’t wait till next year.