"Primary
Day Blues"
So on Tuesday, March 2nd, I
decided to do something that I had never
done before. I know what you’re thinking,
and although I have expressed a healthy
interest in that activity, I did not do
that. No, I did something much more perverse
and shocking. I voted!
For
those of you who have voted before, I urge
you not to. My voting experience began at a
fire station, which was neat, because I
really like firemen, but I was quickly
ushered to the back corner where a panel of
three women (who were not firemen) waited to
interrogate me.
After
they asked me for my voter registration card
and the last four digits of my social
security number, they led me to a strange
booth that had a black privacy cloth
encircling it. Now, I’m used to private
booths after going to my share of
twenty-five cent peep shows, but could you
believe that there was no pornography in
this booth at all! Just a list of names. Why
would I need such privacy if I’m not
viewing pornography? Thankfully I recognized
some of them from T.V. and was able to
proceed.
John
Kerry is scary looking and his face looks
like a malfunctioning Stretch Armstrong
doll, so I couldn’t vote for him. Howard
Dean is also pretty scary looking, although
I do like his arousing bird call whooping
cheer. Wesley Clark seems nice enough, but
he’s kind of old and I don’t want no
grandpa-president. Now, John Edwards, he’s
nice looking, polite and Southern. Just the
type of person that I’d like to have over
to my parents’ house for dinner and thus
exactly the type of person I’d want to
have as my President. He had my vote from
hello.
Unfortunately,
I did not recognize any of the other
candidates from T.V., so I voted for all the
people that had funny sounding names: Elijah E. Cummings,
Sylvester B. Cox, Althea M. Handy, and John
"Johnny O" Olszewski. Some of my
friends criticized me later for voting with
such little discretion; however, I feel that
a humorous last name is an essential element
to a good public representative.
Handy,
Cox and Johnny O are people who are going to
look out for my interests. They know where
I’ve been, and they care, because they
were probably teased much worse than I was
as a child. Think about it, do you want some
big football playing jock propagating
special interest groups, or do you want
sensitive Elijah E. Cummings coming to your
aid? (Note: the “E” stands for
“extra”).
Despite
my reservations, I made it through the
voting process unscathed. Except that
afterwards I thought they were going to give
me a sticker, and they didn’t. Luckily,
these are the types of disappointments
I’ve gotten used to over the years. And
thankfully, the UM Law Democratic Society
organized a happy hour where I could drown
my sorrows away in two dollar margaritas.
The
next morning I woke up with a hangover and
couldn’t remember who I had voted for. It
was similar to that feeling you get when you
wake up and can’t remember who you slept
with the night before. Although, usually
when that happens, the other person is still
sleeping next to you, and you can nudge them
awake and ask them to make you breakfast.
But
alas, John Edwards was not sleeping beside
me, and he did not make me eggs. Although he
did appear on T.V. later that morning to
drop out of the race and remind me that my
vote really doesn’t matter, because the
person I want to win never wins anyway.
Except for that time when I voted for blue
as the new M&M color and blue won! So I
guess the lesson here is: never vote, unless
you’re voting for the new color of a
popular candy.
