"Super Bowl Memories"

Well, the super bowl has come and gone, and if you’re like most Americans, you skipped the big game to go to church. No? Well, enjoy hell.

            Seriously though, I thought it was a great game. I really enjoyed watching an athlete that I am convinced is Jewish win a super bowl. I also really enjoyed learning about new snack foods like “Buffalo Chicken dip.” If anyone out there has ever been perplexed at how to enjoy the great taste of buffalo chicken wings and chips at the same time – rest assured, the problem has been solved. The dip is made by taking buffalo chicken wings, covering them with blue cheese dressing, and pureeing them until you have a delicious frothy mixture that can be placed on chips for snacking purposes. It’s all the greatness of buffalo chicken, but with the added greatness of chips.

            This year, I decided to enjoy the game at a friend’s house, who just so happened to have a TV that was significantly bigger and flatter then my own. The secret to a positive super bowl party experience is to get there early and reserve a seat. That’s why I arrived at 10am with a case of Natty Boh and a decorative seat marker (a giant Xeroxed picture of my face).

            Another secret to a great super bowl experience is to drink ten beers before the game starts. But wait Mitch, isn’t that binge drinking? “Ha ha,” I respond. Binge drinking only occurs if you have the beers quickly in succession. As long as you start at the wee hours of the morning, no negative health effects are possible. Note: nothing in this column should be taken as actual medical advice and/or repeated to a doctor who could discredit my opinions.

            Once ten beers are drunk, I don’t think it’s possible to have a bad super bowl. Unless of course, girls are there. I don’t know when it become societally acceptable for girls to come to sporting events, but the women’s rights movement has totally broken this age old taboo. Thus, it is necessary to think of clever ways to allow the girls to come to the party, but still maintain a “guys are physically superior” vibe around the TV. That’s why I suggest constructing a “ladies lounge” in another part of the house, far from the main TV. This lounge can be built fairly easily; all you need a few back issues of Cosmo, Star, and In Touch. Add a few margaritas and a small TV for the girls to watch the commercials with, and you’re golden.

            Now, I realize that some girls are actually football fans and probably take offense to my “ladies lounge” idea. However, my hostility on this issue has deep roots. It all began when the girls in charge of my high school prom committee thought it would be a good idea to have our senior prom on Super Bowl Sunday. Now, it’s one thing to have prom on a Sunday, which was a stupid idea to begin with; but putting it on super bowl Sunday was just an extra shot of hot sauce to the eye.

            When the big day actually came, we decided to mitigate our losses and simply tape the super bowl while we were at prom and then watch the game at our after prom party. Since most of the guys had brought dates that had decided beforehand to remain virgins well through their first few years of college, this seemed like an ideal plan. We would drink beer and throw pretzels at the TV; just like real adults did when they watched football.

            For some reason, I was put in charge of taping the super bowl. Before I left for prom, I set up the VCR in the basement to tape the game and my parents volunteered to bring it to the party. As you can guess, the tape did not wind up containing the super bowl, but instead, contained some commercials leading up to the super bowl and several hours of old movies, because one of the women invited to my parents house for their super bowl party decided she wanted to “watch something else” downstairs for a while and never turned the channel back.

            Thankfully, there were several kegs to keep everyone’s attention away from my disastrous screw up and I managed to avoid a full beating. Still, the memory haunts me to this day.     

            But, returning to the burning question on everyone’s minds, I did some serious web research regarding whether or not Ben Roethlisberger is Jewish. By serious research, I mean, I read several entries on his official blog, which can be found at http://benroethlisberger.typepad.com/. At first, I was convinced this entire site was a hoax, but there are all these weird personal photos, like Ben’s family on Halloween (they all dressed up like Ben Roethlisberger!) and all the comments are extremely earnest (Ben thought practice went really well on the Saturday before the game).

            Anyway, Ben makes no mention of being Jewish on his blog; however, several fans posted questions asking whether he was Jewish and he did not aggressively deny it! I take this to mean, with 100% certainty, Ben Roethlisberger must be Jewish.

Therefore, just as all Italian people love meatballs, everyone whose last name ends in “berger” is Jewish! And while we’re on the subject, did you know that Chinese people eat fortune cookies after every meal? Every meal! Even brunch.

In conclusion, I hope that everyone had a great super bowl and is now getting really excited about the upcoming WNBA season. I know I can’t wait.